


quod amare usquam

by blood_and_gore



Series: Originals [5]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Aromanticism, Breakups, Friendship, Gen, Hope, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Love, M/M, Other, Poetry, Self-Discovery, full trigger list in notes at the beginning, relationships, shitty latin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-01
Updated: 2019-07-01
Packaged: 2020-05-31 17:20:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19430575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blood_and_gore/pseuds/blood_and_gore
Summary: love isn't supposed to feel like a curse, though, right?





	quod amare usquam

**Author's Note:**

> CW: repetition, vague references to emotional abuse, religious allusions + the devil, religious metaphors, implied drug use, implied drug overdose, implied suicide, implied suicide attempts, implied self-harm, mentions of blood

**_0\. Introduction_**

i feel myself falling down  
i think i'm going under  
i think i'm under a curse  
ground zero,  
down i go:

**I. Shatterproof**

"i am not a china plate,"  
i will not break under your touch. "i've had broken hearts before,"  
i've had to restart before  
there's nothing you can do to my soul  
that hasn't already been done- and i am shatterproof

i am not porcelain.  
i will not crumple  
under your touch. i've had broken hearts before  
i've had to restart before

 _out of all the people i have loved,_  
i'm stronger than each and every one.

**II. Ad aeterno, ab aeterno**

we walk around, play tourist "the ordinary guys!" no expectations  
no obligations  
no real life

you're gonna be one of the many loves of my life  
you're gonna be yet another one true love, literal weight on my chest

i look up at the sky:  
you're saying, "dance with me, here among the dragonflies."

you're gonna be one of the many loves of my life  
you're gonna be yet another one true love, "my heart is yours  
to coat in gold."  
  


**III. Occiduus**

if i'm a siren on the sea then you've got headphones blocking out the noise  
if all that we could be  
is just pretending to be "the ordinary boys!"

if life's a game then love is too and so is fear  
i don't think it will be smooth sailing from here:  
ground zero  
i am adrift in waters hitherto unknown  


**IV. Morituri te salutant**

i'm running out of things to live for, oh so low on hope  
living in the rabbit hole

deep dark suicidal,  
won't you tell me what went on the night you sold your soul?

i suppose we both decided on all these awful things  
and apparently i don't have feelings

but give me a good reason  
and maybe i might consider staying don't know what you've heard

how very shocking this revelation must be  
so get away, get away from me

so get away  
  


**V. Memento mei**

there's no right move in games like this, so play on and there's no easy way to die  
alone

and i, i loved you quite a bit  
you're the one who ruined it  
in a game  
an open grave, alone.

babe, you make me so tired  
you get me inspired and then you burn the words inside my head

all these ashes falling down  
i think i've figured out  
i'm not somebody people fall in love with (what if i am not in love?)

i am hollow  
i am hollow here.

you and i can be pretty dark-  
the lights off, dancing in my hollow heart alone

my heart was yours to coat in gold  
i'm the one who lost control

in a game  
an open grave, and god i wish i was a ghost

babe, you make me so tired  
you get me inspired and then you burn the words inside my head

you don't love me and you never did  
i'm the one who ruined it  
i'm not somebody people fall in love with

i am hollow  
i am hollow here.

don't lie to me

you don't have to lie to me  
you don't have to lie to me  
you don't have to lie

**_6\. Flowers from wounds_**

silence is all i see

don't lie to me  
you don't have to lie to me  
you don't have to lie to me  
you don't have to lie  
everybody dies

(i think i'm going under  
i think i might be under a curse)

everybody dies. i wonder

how many corpses  
you've got buried  
in your garden

underneath  
the roses  
should've listened  
to the warnings

(i think i'm going under  
i think i might be under a curse)

which one of us is the ghost? 

**VII. Mea culpa**

_i'm so fucking sorry god i'm so sorry so very sorry fuck fuck fuck i'm so sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry i apologize and i am sorry i'm sorry i'm sorry sorry i'm so sorry shit shit fuck i'm so goddamn sorry i'm sorry sorry i'm so sorry i am not what i should have been i am not what i am i am so sorry i am sorry that i let you down i am sorry i lack your love i'm so sorry i'm so very sorry sorry i'm so sorry i'm sorry sorry i am not what you wanted me to be_

(is love supposed to feel like faking it?  
is love supposed to feel like a curse?)

  
**IX. Post tenebras, lux**

eventually i return   
not to normalcy  
i think i'm under a curse  
in love over again  
i'm going under

**_X. Attempts_**

_you meet the Devil in a nearly empty shopping mall,_  
_in the afternoon on a Saturday._  
he asks your name- why, you do not know.

_"victory,_ " you tell him. why, you do not know.  
it's not a lie,  
not quite.

(((your name is Victory in a nearly-dead language and you've never been as much of a failure as you are when you're with him, but he takes the pain away and he makes it all better.)))

_"call a spade a spade-"_ his laugh is electric, and he lights a cigarette with what surely was your lighter-  
-surely it was in your pocket a moment ago-  
-and you can't quite remember what it was you came to do here, but maybe it's irrelevant.

 _you meet the Devil in a packed-to-Heaven dive bar,_  
_in the evening on a Wednesday._

he knew you'd be here- how, you do not know

and you don't ask out loud but he says omniscience has its perks as if that's any answer  
and you don't request it, but he stays  
and pays your tab  
and walks you home and suddenly you're almost sober

 _(he leaves in the morning.)_  
_(you're late for work.)_

_you summon him in the center of Central Park,_  
_in the morning on a Friday._ it goes straight to voicemail.  
_and suchsame on Saturday_ ,

 _walking on eggshells_ (dust ground up and turned to chalk on the garden-ground,)  
and _running on knives_

pick up the blade, and let the string be cut,  
bird-bones showing, wrists bloodied, almost matching your dollar-store eyeliner

legs bruised up and a burn mark on your hand-  
-fire's prettiest of all, wouldn't you say?-  
lipstick-blue.

_and on a Sunday_ he moves into your apartment, your heart,  
all you are.

(when he leaves, he takes your skin  
and you have to build it back, _cell by cell,_ holding yourself together until you can be human again. on the day when he exits your mind, lets his influence wane _((aided by your last friend's naloxone_ and the clinic downtown, aided by a bandage over the place where you _fucked up your ribs from binding too much_ 'cause the _pain kept you grounded)_ the pain kept you grounded, but the needle got you high. _what a fucking contradiction, aren't we?_ ) you are stone-cold sober and it hurts like hell.

no one ever said the devil was kind.)

**_XI. Understanding_ **

perhaps i am not capable of the kind of love you wanted from me.

i learned a new word this year,  
i rediscovered others

perhaps i am not unnatural or broken  
perhaps i am human after all, and you were the one that was wrong

and i think you were wrong to do what you have done.  


**_XII. To somebody else:_ **

"love" is a mandatory thing  
when you're growing up a certain way, you do your best to hide

the closet doors are quite inviting  
when it's everybody's business if you're crying  
you learn to overcompensate, to override

i'm picking through the masks i've worn and all the colors match  
i wrote down all my flaws and burned the paper down to ash

love is a many-layered thing  
did you know i used to think there was something wrong with me?

there is more than one kind of cage. there is more than one kind of key  
and there's a truth i need to say:  
"love" is not the only thing that sets anybody free

i am picking through the masks i've worn and all the colors match  
i wrote down all my flaws and burned the paper down to ash

and i think that there is something you should hear: i'm so glad that you stuck around  
i'm happy that you're here

and i think there is something i should tell: i'm glad that it didn't end  
i'm so happy that we're friends

love is a many-layered thing  
i don't fall in all the way there's nothing wrong with me (at least not that)  
because i _sing_

and that brings me more than anybody could  
if i could change what i am i don't think i would.

**Author's Note:**

> Pride Month is over, it's time for Sloth
> 
> (this account is still on a semi-hiatus; was in short-term inpatient care last week, and will be in long term residential care starting late this month and going until around early September probably.)


End file.
